There is a season for everything,
a time for every purpose under heaven ...
a time for embracing, and a time to refrain from embracing.
[ Book of Ecclesiastes 3:1,5 ]

---

The purpose of this article is to share experiences and reflections on how to transform the abstinence phase of Natural Family Planning from a formidable hurdle into something positive, even joyful! In our use of NFP and our sharing with other couples, we have observed attitudes and activities that can either be very positive or negative in their effects on the practice of periodic abstinence.

There are four primary areas for reflection: Commitment, Spiritual Communication, Physical Communication, and Emotional Communication.

COMMITMENT

Many people have found commitment to be one of the keys to the successful practice of Creative Continence. We often think it is like giving up smoking: until you're really committed to fighting for it, you're likely to have problems. Being really committed to practicing periodic abstinence means that:

• you don't have that extra drink which weakens your will to the point that "you can't help yourself";
• you don't engage in greater physical intimacy than you can cope with without losing control;
• you don't read stormy romances or provocative magazines during the abstinence phase (actually, it means that you avoid provocative reading or films all the time).

Marital chastity is God's will for your marriage, and He is ready and willing to help you live up to it. "You can trust God not to let you be tried beyond your strength, and with any trial He will give you a way out of it and the strength to bear it" (1Cor 10:13). But marital chastity has to be your will, too — and that means being really committed. The discipline required to practice NFP has to come from within your inner resources.

But what is commitment? It is being convinced clear down to your toes that what you are doing is right, and that doing what is right is what you want to do — no matter what. In our case, we found that once we looked at our commitment to marital chastity in that way, we just didn't think or do most of the things that had caused us trouble before. Being mutually willing to endure the challenges of periodic abstinence — no matter what! — suddenly changed that period from something full of pain (and sometimes guilt) into something that was almost joyful. It became a very meaningful gift of self, one for the other, that really meant a lot, because we both knew just how hard it was for both of us to give that gift — just like in O. Henry's "Gift of the Magi".

SPIRITUAL COMMUNICATION

Once we have made the commitment, we are on our way, and are ready to examine other factors that will have an impact on our relationship.

So here we are. We have made the choice and commitment to respect God's design of the human reproductive system — the natural procreative powers entrusted to husband and wife. In order to be responsible parents, we must try to understand these powers. We do the observing and charting as we have learned, and then a period of sexual abstinence comes upon us. All of a sudden, things are not so easy anymore. We figured that the policy of no genital contact during the abstinence phase would be a "piece of cake" — but (good grief!) we didn't think it would be this difficult.

Several things contribute to the feelings we have around this time. First of all, human nature is such that we always tend to want what we cannot have. Second (and this is no small factor) is that our existence is constantly bombarded by television, radio, and other media that keep telling us that the highest thing to seek in life is sexual gratification.

Even so, when difficult moments (or several days) occur, the most important thing for us to keep in mind is that we are living God's way and using NFP instead of some artificial birth control method. He is going to help us with any problems we may encounter. All we need to do is ask. We don't want you to misunderstand what we are saying now — He may not take away all the temptation and all the moments of "pain and suffering", but He will give us the strength and perseverance we need to succeed. A true marriage is not just two people living together — it is husband, wife, and God. So, to succeed, we must develop a strong spiritual relationship with one another and with God. This cannot be confined to asking for help during our abstinence phase. Prayer has to be constant and habitual.

Although both of us were used to spending time in prayer, about the only time we prayed together was in Church. We have since discovered that because we were not praying as a couple, as husband and wife, we were missing out on some great gifts from God!

In trying to understand the importance of praying together, we might look at how we were created (see Gen 1:23-26). Just as our physical differences are complementary, might not the same be true of our spiritual differences? In Ephesians 5:28, St Paul tells us how Jesus loves the Church, and he directs that "in the same way, husbands must love their wives as they love their own bodies. The account in Genesis seems to imply more of a physical joining into one body, while St Paul seems to mean more than just the physical. He seems to mean that there is a spiritual bonding and joining between husband and wife.

God has given us the gift of procreation by joining our different, but complementary physical bodies. Might not the spiritual joining of husband and wife — praying together — be as creative in a spiritual way? We believe the answer is yes.

So, we have really found that while practicing continence, we now naturally tend to be more aware of the spiritual facet of our lives. We find that when we spend time in prayer, especially prayer together, morning and evening, our lives go smoothly. Conversely, when we neglect our spiritual lives, we have real trouble coping with continence.

When we, as married couples, spiritually join together in prayer, we can experience a spiritual wholeness that is just as satisfying in its own way as the physical joining of husband and wife. This is a gift, or grace, of marriage. When we accept and use this gift, we can find a new dynamic, and rewarding facet of our life together and with God.

PHYSICAL COMMUNICATION

On the surface, it would seem simple: You simply don't communicate physically during the abstinence phase of NFP. But those of us who have tried NFP strongly recommend against totally avoiding one another during the abstinence period. The biggest problem lies, once again, not in how God made us, but in society's definitions and expectations in the area of human sexuality.

Society's definition of physical communication says: touching is sexy, every touchmust lead inevitably to sexual intercourse, or at least orgasm. That view can certainly lead to trouble in any relationship, and it definitely conflicts with what we intend to do in the discipline of NFP.

Physical contact is necessary for happiness and survival. People need to have physical contact with the people they care about. But that physical contact doesn't have to lead to sexual intercourse. The abstinence period is a good time to do some good old-fashioned hand holding, back rubbing, or just platonic hugging. Once you learn that a hug or a kiss can simply say, "I love you", and not always "I want to have sex with you", you've come a long way toward learning how to survive and profit from periodic abstinence. Sometimes it can be a relief to know that every touch doesn't automatically mean a trip to the bedroom.

For most of us, it requires several cycles to become comfortable with this idea. If either of you is convinced that all kisses and hugs are invitations to sexual intercourse, it will take a while to re-educate your behavior patterns and not get "carried away" when you try platonic hugging. Take it easy, and if it seems difficult at first, don't give up. This is where commitment and spiritual communication really shine through. If you pray together for a successful way of handling any problems you may have, you eventually will succeed.

If you were lucky enough to have enjoyed a chaste courtship period, you can re-learn the joys of spending time in one another's arms without expecting an orgasm to follow. If you weren't, you'll probably really enjoy learning how to be friends as well as lovers.

EMOTIONAL COMMUNICATION

Emotional Communication is where most couples are having trouble when their marriage goes on the blink, and this is also the area that usually gets strengthened through NFP's periodic continence. Why?

Assume you're an average couple using artificial contraceptives. Life being what it is, both people are busy, busy, busy with work, children, and other interests. Bedtime is catch-up time, and when you're not too tired, or you've been missing each other, etc., you might have sexual intercourse; then, having physically communicated, you drop off to sleep. We all know couples for whom that is the total extent of the relationship — not excluding we ourselves, perhaps. Meanwhile, life is changing each of us in different ways. Suddenly a crisis occurs, and we've changed so much and are so out of touch with each other that we feel lost, bewildered, and betrayed when we find that the person we're married to is no longer the same.

The practice of NFP brings this sort of situation out into the open. If this is the primary way you are communicating, and you begin practicing NFP and the period of abstinence comes around, you will discover very clearly that you don't have a relationship after all!That is, what had been kept you together was merely the physical routine.

Having been in this boat, we can agree that the experience can be very traumatic, because we fell into the false conclusion that NFP was wrecking our relationship instead of helping it. We asked ourselves how could this be happening. But since we both really believed that respect for nature was definitely what God wanted for our relationship, we prayed for an answer.

Gradually we began to realize that our physical relationship was destined to cycle off-and-on every month. God made the seasons of the year and the hours of the night and day. Cycles must be the norm. Well then, what else did we have going for us? Aha! — besides the physical, we had the emotional and spiritual parts of our relationship. Didn't it make sense for them to cycle "ON" when the physical part cycled "OFF"? We gave it a try. It worked!

We found that instead of suffering in silence, instead of feeling misunderstood, unloved, and full of self-pity at how rotten things were, we were actually talking (what a revolutionary idea!) and getting to know one another better than ever. In fact, after a few months, we began to notice that the old thrill was back in our relationship — that old courtship feeling. We began to fall in love again.

If you talk about how you feel during abstinence days (and it wouldn't hurt to talk at other times during the month, too), even if the feelings are negative (Tip: Start each sentence with "I feel ...", rather than "You should ..."), you'll find the romance coming back into your marriage. You'll find yourself feeling "joyful", and isn't that what was promised at the beginning of our classes on responsible parenthood and natural family planning?

---

* "Creative continence" falls within the FAMILY LIFE AGENDA, under the subject area of ethics and etiquette of conjugal relations. It answers the question: What options and obligations do couples have in situations which call for them to abstain from sexual intercourse? These norms are essential for living a committed married life, and presuppose both faith in God and knowledge of the awesome procreative powers entrusted to humankind by God.

Other articles related to Creative Continence & Chastity within Marriage ~
    · NFP AS THE "GOLDEN MEAN" OF RESPONSIBLE PARENTHOOD
    · PSYCHOLOGY & PSYCHOPATHOLOGY OF FERTILITY
    · VALUES UNDERLYING CREATIVE CONTINENCE
    · NATURAL FAMILY PLANNING AS A METHOD
    · ACHIEVING PREGNANCY
    · AVOIDING PREGNANCY